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Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself, by Shahida Arabi
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Although clinical research has been conducted on narcissism as a disorder, less is known about its effects on victims who are in toxic relationships with partners with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Individuals with this disorder engage in chronic devaluation and manipulation of their partners, a psychological and emotional phenomenon known as "narcissistic abuse". Unfortunately, the full extent of what narcissistic abuse entails is not taught in any psychology class or diagnostic manual. Since pathological narcissists are unlikely to seek treatment for their disorder, it is difficult to pinpoint what exactly makes a narcissistic abuser tick and the manipulative tactics they use, which are likely to differ from those of other types of abusers as they are more covert and underhanded. What is even more baffling is the addiction we form with our narcissistic abusers, created by biochemical bonds and trauma bonds that are also unlike any other relationship we experience.
Using the latest scientific research as well as thousands of survivor accounts, this book will explore how the emotional manipulation tactics of narcissistic and antisocial partners affect those around them, particularly with regards to its cumulative socioemotional and psychological effects on the victim. It will also address questions such as: What successful techniques, tools, and healing modalities (both traditional and alternative) are available to survivors who have been ridiculed, manipulated, verbally abused, and subject to psychological warfare? What can survivors do to better engage in self-love and self-care? How can they forge the path to healthier relationships, especially if they've been a victim of narcissistic abuse by multiple people or raised by a narcissist? Most importantly, how can they use their experiences of narcissistic abuse to empower themselves towards personal development? What can their interactions with a narcissistic abuser teach them about themselves, their relationship patterns, and the wounds that still need to be healed in order to move forward into the happy relationships and victorious lives they do deserve?
- Sales Rank: #228855 in Books
- Published on: 2017-02-07
- Released on: 2017-02-07
- Formats: Audiobook, MP3 Audio, Unabridged
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 2
- Dimensions: 6.75" h x .68" w x 5.25" l,
- Running time: 19 Hours
- Binding: MP3 CD
Review
"Excellent! If there is one person on our side, it's Shahida. Ms. Arabi is our life-saver, cheerleader, saint, healer, best friend, advocate, and go-to expert for victims...when no one else is in your corner; she is there for you in mind and soul to share the truth about this hidden - and for many, life-threatening, devastating experience. This book covers the complete experience of:encountering, surviving, and healing from an emotional terrorist. Ahead of her time, she has forged the way for us - victims and mental health professionals -to start acknowledging this hidden epidemic; and to begin the lonely, painful process of helping ourselves and others survive the reality of personality-disordered relationship trauma." - Monica M. White, Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor
"Shahida Arabi has accomplished something that few authors are able to do. She has written a book that is packed with so much wisdom and therapeutically proven tools for daily application, that it leaves the reader healthier than when they started reading. That is an incredible accomplishment for any writer. As a licensed therapist, I am thrilled to see Ms. Arabi's ability to give not only real life practical suggestions of how to find recovery and live it out, but also concrete, go-out-and-implement-them-today ideas. Ms. Arabi provides the reader with the exact tools needed to change their thoughts, which will change their actions and then lead to changed lives." - Shannon Thomas, Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Lead Therapist at Southlake Christian Counseling
"Outstanding, comprehensive, thoughtful book for survivors! I will be sending my clients to read this book to help them have a fantastic, thorough understanding of narcissistic abuse recovery. Shahida Arabi skillfully writes from the standpoint of a survivor to a place of thriving...she blends evidence-based research, with survivor stories and integrative healing concepts that are paramount for trauma recovery from the unique aftermath of narcissistic abuse. This book will be a compass and roadmap for many as they reassemble after the rubble and construct anew a life of meaning, purpose, healing and transformation. Shahida Arabi speaks from the heart, from science,and from spirit...she knows how to translate for survivors the path of healing, triumph, and freedom." - Andrea Schneider, Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Author of Soul Vampires: Reclaiming Your Lifeblood After Narcissistic Abuse
"I would like to give kudos to Shahida Arabi and her efforts in writing a well-researched book filled withcurrent, accurate and practical information that focuses on the abuse survivors and not the abusers like most books on narcissistic abuse do. Well-written...filled with accurate truth, tons of current information, contributions from legitimate narcissistic abuse recovery experts, hope and inspiration that will facilitate healing and point the readers to effective healers and professionaland self-help strategies they can tailor to their specific needs." - Evelyn M. Ryan, Certified Licensed Life Coach and Author of Take Your Power Back: Healing Lessons, Tipsand Tools for Abuse Survivors
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Most helpful customer reviews
193 of 198 people found the following review helpful.
Excellent, Well-Researched and Very Helpful Book!
By BA
I have read 50+ books on narcissistic personality disorder, narcissistic abuse, domestic abuse, trauma, PTSD, etc. This book is one of the best. Ms. Arabi is an excellent, thorough and insightful researcher and journalist. She lays the groundwork for recovery by explaining the impact of narcissistic abuse, synthesizing those truths with provocative insights from leading scholars and then offering practical suggestions and methods of recovery.
This book is extremely well-documented and well-researched. Arabi not only addresses NPD and narcissistic abuse but delves into PTSD/CPTSD, citing the works of renowned experts such as Judith Herman, M.D., author of the foundational book “Trauma and Recovery,” and Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. (“The Betrayal Bond”). She also ties in the work of Bessel van der Kolk M.D., who in his book “The Body Keeps the Score” reveals how trauma rewires the the brain, along with dozens of other sources, both classic and contemporary.
Each chapter of Arabi’s book features an impressive endnotes section as well as links to articles, podcasts and social media resources. She manages to combine all these sources into a comprehensive and revealing look at narcissistic abuse and its effects on the survivor. She then offers practical tips and alternatives for recovering from the trauma of narcissistic abuse. I was personally inspired and motivated by her creative recommendations for recovery – I even surprised myself by experimenting with the guided meditation links and redoubling my commitment to doing Zumba four times a week. And I haven’t even finished reading the book!
Bravo, Ms. Arabi, and thank you! I very much recommend this book.
149 of 159 people found the following review helpful.
Interesting read..
By Jordan E. Fuson
I've been reading a lot about narcissism after encountering it first in a patient's mom then recognizing it in my own mom and also seeing some of it in my siginificant other and now in myself. While some narcissists are truly monsters, often others develop it as a result of abuse/neglect in reaction to criticism and/or lack of love & validation. One excerpt reads: "They are never satisfied and they will constantly blame you for their dissatisfaction. They will never be satisfied with what they have, unless they have a complete doormat that turn a blind eye to their affairs, crimes and indiscretions. And even when they do have that doormat, they end up abusing and exploiting that person regardless, treating that person with contempt for being so “foolish” to believe in them. You’re damned if you do and damned if you do when it comes to a narcissistic partner."
And I would like to offer some insight: it is true that they are never satisfied and you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. They are unable to have self-acceptance, which gives rise the construction of the false self ego. It was taught that they are never good enough resulting in receiving criticism. They need a 'doormat' to give them the love and acceptance they lack for themselves and never received in childhood. However, they hate themselves so much that they resent (exploit/abuse) you if you give it, because you must be a fool to think they deserve love and/or acceptance--'Can't you see I'm a monster?! Can't you see how much of a worthless piece of trash I am? You're an idiot for thinking I deserve to be loved, because love does not exist-- only power. If love existed I would not feel forced to manipulate you to get the what I was never given freely (e.g. attention, love, validation, etc.) Relationships are about power not connecting.' They were taught early on that relationships are essentially unsafe. Feelings meant vulnerability, so it's safer to get one's needs met via manipulation--Why would you allow the "caretaker" (the one that criticizes, belittles) to have power over you by having emotions? Doesn't it feel more rewarding when you learn to manipulate and control the caretaker enemy and make them pay for the way the treated you? If you can control your emotions, you can learn not to be at the mercy of them and feel hurt, rejected, and powerless. Narcs are extraordinary sensitive to ego insults due to the lack of love/acceptance and use devaluation as a way to deal with the insults/injury. It's safer not to feel. Although their maladaptive ways keep them safe, they are extremely unhappy with their inability to form loving relationships. But they do not believe loving relationships exist and it is hard to seek, miss, or value what one never had--especially when it means subjecting yourself to feel hurt and disappointment again and to lose the sense of power that protected you (but now impairs you). It is an extremely emotionally immature disposition, but they received the message early that love and loving attention wasn't give freely making them believe manipulation is the only alternative. I read somewhere that codependency and narcissism are flip sides of the same coin. It doesn't sound right, but as a codependent/counterdependent with narcissistic tendencies, it makes sense. The child innately believes he/she is good, but the parents send an opposing message. Both the narcissist and codependent internalize the negative message, but the narcissist develops a false ego and rebels, while the codependent enmeshes in an attempt to win approval. Both of their egos depends upon another to exist, since their sense of Self is never developed due to the abuse/neglect.
46 of 48 people found the following review helpful.
Has helped me immensely - Wish I had read it before other books
By Michigan Hiker
This is not the first book I have read on NPD. I wish this would have been the very first book I read, instead. It would have saved me of much headache and heartache. I am not finished reading this book, but I had to come in here and provide a review already. Just from the very first pages, this book has been able to help me understand my own personal situation with the narcissist in my life. A book that finally says it clearly the way it is and with sounded advise, not just for professionals in the field, but for the regular folk who has unfortunately been the victim of narcissist abuse. Because we have to call it for what it is: Abuse. I wish the courts in this country would be given this book and more education on this matter, especially when there are children involved. Courts force you to share custody with the narcissist parent when children and the former spouse should actually be allowed to keep contact to a minimum or no contact at all. In this particular case, exposure to the narcissist is not really a good idea for developing spirits and minds. Anybody who knows anything about NPD will tell you that the best thing to do is to go no contact. Other books suggest to remother the narcissist or do this or that. It does not work with these individuals because in their minds, they are always right and the whole world is conspiring against them. That's the main reason why neither the courts, nor supposed trained professionals can provide a diagnostic of NPD for those individuals because they can put a great act together for the whole world to see. By the time you realize what you're dealing with, you're already caught in their web of lies and deceive. Shahida Arabi explains all of this very clearly, in a way that anybody can understand. She has included clear examples of situations that are the "norm" for those suffering from this abuse. Anybody can see the scars left by violent physical abuse, but when it comes to emotional abuse, it is very difficult to prove in court or even to those who may be close to the victim. Shahida explains all the tools that a narcissist will use to control those around him or her. She shares her own personal and professional experience, as well as those of victims who have entrusted her with their own experience. Some reviews say that she's a bit repetitive at times. I have noticed that while reading the book. But believe me, repetition can be good to make some points, especially after you have been a victim yourself. Some things need to be repeated more than once because you have been gaslighted so much that you have trouble discerning reality from fog and you keep doubting yourself after so much abuse of this kind.
For what my own personal opinion might be worth, and from the view point of someone who has suffered the abuse of a narcissist, this book is a must-read. If you're lost and you don't know where to go, you feel isolated and your gut feeling is telling you that something has to change and you don't know who to trust or where to go for help, start with this book. It will help you understand your own situation, why the narcissist in your life treats you kindly one moment to completely ignore you or put you down the next; why that person accuses you of being controlling when you feel you have absolutely no control over your life and you feel that he or she is actually controlling you, instead; you will understand where did that loving, caring, compassionate person of the early stages of your relationship has gone and why you might be now dealing with someone who doesn't even resemble that soulmate of yours; and more. I love the fact that she's been there and she's done her hard work to understand this pathology not only from a victim's stance, but from a professional point of view.
I also got the Kindle version since it is free when you buy the book and I had absolutely no problems downloading it. I had noticed a few slight changes from the paper to the electronic version (I'm guessing one is a newer edition, not sure why there're these slight differences, but it seems to just be an editing thing.) But there are minimal and it doesn't affect. I love that I can read the book on my tablet or from the paper copy with no problems.
I think I said enough. I could go on talking about it, but I will let the book speak for itself. Read the sneak-preview in here. If you're a victim, I'm sure you'll identify yourself even in those few pages. That's what happened to me. Only a victim can understand what I mean.
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